Friday, 8 April 2011

.A Love Letter to Leah.

Dear Leah,

Thank you for reading my letter.

You always said that I communicate best in writing. You also once pointed out that I was not good at expressing myself with spoken words. It is not a great thing especially when we fight but then again, life’s like that la, ah?

This letter is about love.

I would therefore like to take this opportunity to show you the kind of person you are and what you are to me.

When you spoke of your dreams and career plans in my car on 20.07.2010, I saw a shinning light from your eyes. I knew right then that it shinned from your heart.

I fell so deeply in love.

When I shook in my pants during our first engagement announcement, you held my hand quietly. When I spoke to you about my financial struggles to make our ends meet, you said, “I need to find a job now”.

When I told you that I had started fantasizing about suicide and death recently, you told me, “Don’t change who you are. I love you.”

When you never had an answer for all the times I cried to you, you always said, “I love you.”

Then, after searching and searching on a journey for a cause, I have come to realize one thing:

You are that which I have been looking for, Dahlia Rani.

You are love.

From the moment you were a baby, you showed the world what a miracle your existence could offer. When you nearly died from fever, you held on for dear life to live for a single mother who hardly had any money to feed you, let alone, medicate you. As you lived, you gave her life in no measures to take for your own. She made it because you simply loved. When you gave, you simply loved. You never asked from her or your aunty, even when your mother became occupied with her new family. All you did was give. And you took the life of your new family wherever you went, without asking or demanding your terms.

You gave your all and your childhood to the adults who cared for you.

When you never heard from your father, you forgave. You kept the hurt you felt inside but you always forgave. You then loved his family as yours, and to date, your blood is as thick as theirs. As much as you are mixed, you are always Punjabi. You never left your father even when you left for KL to work.

I understand now, you simply left to pursue your own life.

I understand now.

Like the many others in your life, I never paid attention to you when you needed me to be there. When you told me that you missed me, I did not hear you. When you told me that you needed my support, I turned a deaf eye. When you cried to me on the phone, I heard you and then said, “Where is my support?”

When you stopped talking, I realized that I lost my own heart.

The first love thought I had of you was: you are a burst of light. Since I allowed you into my life, you light up my life. When you went away, I lost myself in my own past and darkness. Without your light, I could not see. I did not want to see that you were still there.

When I sank into depression, I only asked. I never gave. I couldn’t give you support because I only thought that I had lost you.

Dahlia, I only saw my own selfishness while you stood nearby. You gave while I took.

And I have been selfish to you for a very long time. Since you left for Doha, I assumed that you had left me. I assumed that you will love me less. I assumed that you will grow bored of me. I assumed that you would break our promises and vows.

I assumed the worst of you. And after a while, that was all I started to think.

I broke my vows to you and did not love you the way I should have.

Having said so, I am not writing this letter to redeem myself here. I am not writing this to make myself sound like a hero. But like I said earlier, I want you to know the kind of person you are, and what you are to me. You deserve the truth, and you deserve respect from the people you love.

I understand now, that to love you, Dahlia Rani, is to truly understand the way that you are. You are not like others and you do not conform to people’s common standards. Naye, you are simpler than that, and so simple that we complex human beings, forget how to love you. To love you, Leah, is to open my slit eyes and let you be who you are with me. To love you is not to judge you with what I am comfortable with.

To love you is completely and unconditionally love you for who you are.

Which is not that hard since you are so damn attractive.

For the first time in my life, I have never wanted understand more about a person. I keep studying your photos, speaking to your love ones and lately, listening to your words to only get to know who you are. You are not like me; you do not lay down your ways in words and ways like I do. And I must keep myself from wanting you to speak, act in the way that I want to. I must not be selfish with you. I must also not want you to be like me or the people that I am comfortable with.

I become happier the closer I become with you.

So, I have stopped being selfish with you.

Dahlia, I was selfish when I did not listen. You told me how lonely it was for you in Doha, and you held back as you spoke. I did not appreciate how usual it was for you to hold back when you had allowed me to be so selfish with you for so long. Now I understand why you hold back from me or people. It was never your fault; but hurting was never something you wanted. You had to stop yourself from hurting when I didn’t support you.

You only know how to give.

People have misjudged, abused, misunderstood, put you down, condemn, rejected, called you names, started trouble against you for all your life. When my own family turned against you and called me stupid for bringing you to my grandmother’s house last Christmas, I did not stand by you. And you did not let me see your broken heart. You also hid your broken heart from me when I was too afraid to love you in front of my own family.

Before you wonder further about what I am trying to do, I will tell you: I am trying to tell you that I am sorry. I also want to tell you that I know what I am sorry for.

I know that I should have done this sooner, or act sooner, but I did not understand us. I did not understand this thing called love, myself and anything about you.

I have been very selfish for my entire life. And the funny thing is, I have been very selfish to the point of being hardest on the things that matter. When I committed myself to you, I brought along my selfish ways and let them occupy to drain you. I did not give you enough space to be the person you are inside.

I did not support you.

I am grateful that I can now write to you, in this space, to tell you that I will.

I am grateful, beyond measures, to you for loving me.

You love me like no other. And you have shown me love like no other.

You are a beautiful and perfect woman. When God created you, He created a perfect soul. He created you in the way that you are because He knew how special he wanted you to be for this world. Luckily for all of us, He created you with your eyes so that we can always see your soul.

When God made you, He made you in love. No future, fact, information or denial can ever change that. He wanted you to come into this world to love and be loved. Maybe He has allowed you to suffer the way you do, but He knew the kind of person you are. He knew that He placed a miracle in you for Him to enjoy.

You will definitely think that I have put you on some heavenly pedestal, but I tell you, I have not. Look at your life: you are a walking blessing. Your presence in the lives of those you love, only blesses them from the time you love them. Look at your mother, Papa, Aunty, Parvan, Zudin, Jezz, Shotu………

Look at me.

I am blessed by you. We are all blessed by you. What I realized is that not all of us know how to love you well.

I am a selfish bastard, self-involved, arrogant, dominant, fickled person. But I have now found happiness in you and I want to change my ways to enjoy the happiness you give me. You have changed me, inspiring to be better. Because of you, I can move on, and let go of my past. Because of you, I can love, and love the way that I have always wanted to.

Please allow me to stand by you once again and support you when times get tough. I will never leave you, like it or not. I am here for you, repentant and humbled. I know what my life is worth, and what matters. I can always live without you, Leah Rani but I know how much I want you in it. Life will always be complete with you.

I am working to give you all that you deserve and more. I know that I am happy to do more than that, and will want to give that to you.

If anyone asks why I do this, please tell them this: you have made me gone back to the person I am.

And I am in love, Leah. You are love.

For as long as we live, I will give you nothing other than that.

Thank you, Leah, and please keep talking. As long as you talk, I will always hear my heart.

I love you with more than words could express.

God bless you.



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