Monday, 21 March 2011

.My Long Suffering Wife.

Dear you,

The biggest experience of my life so far, has been marriage.

Long distance, interracial, same sex, gender stereotypical, inter religious marriage.

I can't settle for a normal marriage, can I? (laughs)

But who said that I was normal?

I have had people, including my own mother, condemning me for being abnormal after coming out. Truth be told, it hurt a lot. At the butt of the discrimination, the loneliness started filling me with suicidal thoughts. Marriage or not. Having a wife sometimes made things worse, especially when my wife was not around during these depressive moods. I would have these moods for days, and snap out just in time for the beginning of the week, to only resume on my knees that I make it sane just for the rest of the week.

For a month or so, that was how I had lived. For months before that, I denied myself the truth that I was hurting. I am still learning to come out of it.

The worst kind of discrimination or hurt that you can give or receive from someone is that of a family member. For most of us, a family member (especially the close ones) matters. Whether we like it or not, they matter. No amount of blindness or sight can deny you that truth. Even banging your head on the wall can't erase that truth.

Since marriage, the one who matters most to me is my wife. She is the woman that I have married, and the woman I am in love with. It is huge alone just write these two sentences; a commitment this deep is the dream that I finally have. Everyone, including myself has always told me that loving someone unconditionally and being loved unconditionally could never come true for someone like me. In fact, I used to only know rejection or conditional love as love.

But the only thing that could thunder on this parade is probably fatherhood, or parenthood. I have traits of transsexualism, and although I may have maternal traits that pop by, I have always yearned to be a father. Perhaps, in a way, I always thought that my own gave me a very good impression of fatherhood. He seems to thoroughly enjoy it, in spite of the difficult times, and made big things for me easy when they were supposed to be hard.

Yet before I get there, marriage to Leah is the best thing that I have done for myself. Today, I am more vulnerable than I have ever been. And yet, I am stronger than I think I ever was in the past. For me, dealing with my emotional health so much harder than training for mountain running.

I am letting go to love. I am learning to brave making mistakes and even risking my heart to build something with somebody else. Heavens know that it took me eight (8) days to realize that I wanted to marry Leah, and another six (6) months later to come clean about our marriage. Even married, I cannot say that I totally trust her or another person. But, I can say that marriage inspires me to trust another person.

Leah is a burst of colour. Loud as hell, and angry when she wants to be, she's a scene to behold. People either can't get enough of her or can't stand the presence of her. She holds you or either puts you off. She makes you love her or hate her. Sometimes, she soothes you beyond words, or makes you run up the wall when things get heated.

Boy, do we know how to drive each other insane.

But I think one thing about Leah is that she is often misunderstood. I think that for her entire life, she was misunderstood by somebody or someone who wanted to change her to become somebody they wanted her to be. They just could not let her be. So, when she roams free, well, sometimes, she crashes into walls but forgets about the broken hearts and pieces along the way. I still marvel at her amazingly good luck that have helped her scrap out of sticky situations in the past and at current.

She laughs at me and shrugs it off. Sometimes, she forgets to lie well to me.

My Leah is one living superwoman. She tries, and she tries so hard. As part of her Sagittarius trait, she can pursue her goal without looking at any or either way. And as mentioned, sometimes, there are broken hearts and pieces that Leah can oblivious to. Because of this, she can be seen as a bulldozer or aggressive. And with me and some of her love ones, she can be seen as isolating us all to pursue her goal. But like I said, my Leah is often misunderstood. And sometimes, my Leah misunderstands herself. I often find myself observing and analyzing my wife for a long time before the same smile creeps in.

My long suffering wife. How I love you so.

Love has a funny way of showing itself.

When you love someone so much, you can worship that love so much that it can turn toxic. My own mother admitted once that she worshiped me, but that was before she hit me. My father loves my mother so much that he can't event talk to her about his feelings. He is afraid that she will not support him like the way he has felt for the last twenty nine (29) years. My wife loves me so much that she tried to walk out on me one day when we fought. I love my little boy so much that I have to leave him on his own for more twelve hours a day to go to work.

Love is so funny. It makes us do a lot of dumb things to the ones we love the most.

We misunderstand the people we love and ourselves so much.

Her entire life, my wife has been put down for being a mixed child, a child of unexplained roots, not part of a family, different, aggressive, gay, sexual, fat, ugly and stupid. Funnily, my long suffering wife has just been misunderstood her entire life. Even by me.

Because my wife is not ugly and stupid. She may have many traits that are not agreeable and/or different from everyone else, but she is not for any other purpose than to love. When she is with a baby, she holds it like she will never let anything harm it. When she talks to a naughty child, she reasons with it like it is the most important person to her. She speaks languages to many people in her and their tongues. And she does this effortlessly. She reaches out without thinking of whether she has hands to spare.

Oh-here is a tip: look deep into the heart of her eyes. They are filled with love, but you gotta pay attention, ok?

Leah does not judge you quickly for being different. She simply looks and stares at you with love. Even if she is screaming her head off at you. Sometimes, to love my wife is to stand back, watch her, and smile. There is no trick or rule to this but you need to always let her know from time to time that you love her. And be PATIENT and WISE for that moment. Yet, we are all human, aren't we?

Repeating myself, being married to Leah is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The one setback is how much I miss my wife, and that I am not able to stop the feelings that have been flowing like water. I too, am human. But I can't ever say that I didn't love my long suffering wife.

I will love my Leah though, for as long as I can. Here is to hoping for the best:

"To my long suffering but beautiful wife, Leah-I pray that I will grow to understand you more and more, and misunderstand you less and less in our days yet to come."

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